Friday, March 11, 2005

What's Lacking?

I had a mini-depressive episode this morning after getting blown off by someone I thought I knew. I layed in bed for a while reflecting on why life seems so mundane and empty recently. And realizing that I usually get this way after some sort of relational interaction I think a major contributing factor is that there is a serious lack of meaningful relationships in my life.

My parents and I don't really talk about anything serious, they are some of the worst communicators I have ever met. My sister is better at communication but she doesn't have the first clue about how to deal with me because I'm a bit more "liberal" than she is comfortable with. My best friend is in Prison, which makes hangout time a little more difficult, nay, impossible. My other friends are selfish, un-reflective biggots. Sounds bad, but I really do love them and wish them the best but their arrogance and apathy make real connections impossible. There are a few people that I enjoy talking to, but these people are usually double my age and married with children. Which means they have many other things to be worried about. They do what they can, and I love them for it, but the time is limited and the age gap means that we are at pretty different places in life. As for romantic relationships and significant others. . . wait! What were those again?

I'm not sure what to do about this. Maybe I'll post an add in the paper, or buy a book. But my guess is that these things just sort of happen. Which is all the more depressing that I can't do anything about it.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Too Crowded

I went to a musical the other night. It was a miserable experience really. There were so many people there. I've always known it but for some reason it didn't sink in till I was standing there watching everyone pass by. Usually passing by so close I could smell them. What I realized is that I hate being in crowded places. All of the conversations going on at once and all of the facial expressions and lights and colors of peoples clothing whizzing by up against the still background of the walls makes me feel like I can't breathe. It is an overload of my neurotic shortfalls all happening at once. For every person that passes by I think "Why didn't they look at me? Do they think I'm a freak? Am I so unimportant that I can go unnoticed that easily? Everyone looks so happy with their friends and family. Why am I here alone? I was invited to come but I'm standing here alone. Why? Is there something wrong with me? There is. I am wholey undesirable for every reason except for charity. " These are the things I thought about all night. It was so emotionally straining on me that by the time everything was over and the madness started again with the "I love it"s and the "You were great"s that all I wanted to do was get out of there and go find a place to cry. The people that had invited me were nowhere to be found and I was so lonely again. I hate the crowds, I hate the superficiality of it all, and I hate that I hate it.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Another Place

I've been reading this book that is a compilation of letters that famous people have written to each other about death over the ages. Its really very interesting because most people just don't have much to say. They are dumbstruck by death. I can understand why. It seems like the ending of everything. It evokes in me the ultimate fears that I will ever have, that there is nothing left. As much as life sucks sometimes, I enjoy living. I want to live to see good days. But death stands in the way of my biggest hopes as constant shadow over my life saying to me, "Your dreams will never be recognized, there is only despair for you here". Even as young as I am I fear death. I fear it more because I don't have much hope for the future. I don't see myself growing old. I can't imagine myself X number of years from now. I know some of it is the depression that I suffer from. But it just seems like there is nothing for me there. Like I belong somewhere else, somewhere far away where things are different. In a place that I have never been but am almost sure must exist. I want to be there. Oh, how I wish I could be there today.

Monday, January 17, 2005

My life away from Zoloft

I've always been the type of person that experiences things in extremes. I don't think I'm manic depressive or bipolar, its just that my experiences are very intense. When I'm hurt, I'm really hurt, when I'm having fun, I'm having a LOT of fun, etc. The one emotional state that I am extremely prone to is sadness/depression. I remember being this way ever since I can remember being old enough to realize that this world isn't okay. For me this was around 2nd or 3rd grade, pretty early I think to find out that the world sucks. I'm not sure if I'm just prone to be this way or if it was a result of my dysfunctional family, but either way I am hard pressed to escape it. This disease (I call it a disease because most other people I know either don't feel this way often or don't ever speak about it) is debilitating. All motivation to get up and live life seems futile because some evil thing or person is going to fuck it all up again. It has caused me to think negatively about everything and everybody. I don't trust anyone, why would I? People are shitty and they treat each other shitty. I used to put my comfort in things but I would just get bored of them. This distrust in people leads to intense feeling of loneliness wich coupled with my fear of rejection and unhealthy level of self-consciousness leads to a pretty depressing lifestyle. I spent alot of time trying to become someone that I'm not. Whether it was scholar, religious-guy, funny guy, clever, athletic etc, I always ended up getting disappointed because when I stopped being accepted by the people in those circles I stopped caring about whatever it was I was doing and tried something else. I'm done with that, but the thing is, I don't know what I am. I've spent so much time trying to be someone else that I don't know what I like or who I am and the things I do know about myself don't exactly click with anyone that is within fifteen years of my age or who isn't married. Which makes for a group of friends that is usually accompanied by shallow conversation and unreflective lifestyles. I took Zoloft for a while so I could function normally and get some things done, but I didn't really like being dependant on a chemical to be normal, plus, Zoloft is really expensive if you don't have insurance. The upside is that I find myself being very compassionate with people and having a deep deep love of things that are good. Things I probably wouldn't care about if life was all shits and giggles. Life seems like it is in a constant state of transition for me. I'm always living for that next thing and the next thing is never good enough. So I keep on looking and never finding and never enjoying life and that fucking sucks. I'm running out of things to try. I'm getting sick of hoping that things will be different some day. I'm getting even more tired of hoping that one of my friends will come through or that I will meet some amazing girl that will understand me. Hope is a wonderful thing, but I'm not sure how someone who rarely experiences good things is supposed to continue to hope.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Blog #2

This is my second blog. I have another one here. The reason I initially set this blog up is so that I could post comments un-anonymously on other blogspot blogs. But as it works out this is perfect because I have been having a dillema recently about blogging. My other blog has several regular readers (I think) that are very smart and like to participate in the conversation there and at other blogs I regular. (They aren't following me, they just happen to participate in the same places). Several of my recent posts there have been extremely personal and I hesitated to even post them because they don't really fit in with the overall feel of the blog. So this is a perfect occasion for me to fix my problem. I will use this blog to post more of my personal stuff. The emotional stuff that dominates certain moments of my life, the moments that give my life meaning of some kind or another. My reflections on life and romance and that sort of thing will go here. So if you like that kind of stuff then I hope you enjoy. If not, well, you've been warned.